Is there a good way to fight in love? 

The short answer is “yes”.  Because, if we’re all being honest here, you’re going to disagree, get frustrated, and argue in your relationship.

But when it comes to arguing or “fighting” there are some healthy ways to do it.  I’m not going to dive into the countless unhealthy ways you can argue in love, that’s a blog for another day.

But when it comes to love…

It’s not WHAT you fight about… it’s HOW you fight about it.

Often the content of what you’re disagreeing about is far less important than the root of the issue you find yourselves at odds over.

If you’re stuck in an argument about who’s fault something is… you’re probably instead arguing about feeling disrespected, hurt or unheard.

If you’re stuck in an argument about the thoughtlessness of each other’s actions, you’re probably instead arguing about feeling sad, disconnected, and fearful.

And if you don’t move to a deeper awareness of how each other is feeling and what meaning you’re assuming within each other’s behavior, then you’re bound to keep spinning in a cycle of stuckness.

In order to have productive disagreements, it’s far better to get below the “what” and into the “how”.

When you’re arguing, fight fairly.  Don’t overpower each other with words or raised voices. Instead, ground yourself enough to be open and willing to hear each other’s feelings as valid and real (even if you don’t understand or agree with them).

When you’re frustrated, take a moment to remind yourself (and each other) that the primary goal is resolution, not to determine a winner. Work together towards an outcome of reconnection and repair.

Finding ways to argue more effectively helps you resolve smaller disagreements and lets you work towards more productive solutions.

You got this!

-A

P.S. If your arguments have become unstable, please reach out for support. I don’t want any couple spinning in toxic cycles of communication. Too much is at risk for the two of you when you argue this way.