If you don't have something nice to say...
I thought of this week’s encouragement about 2 years ago… not because it was brilliant in any way, but because the idea seemed novel to me at the time. Since it popped into my head (and out of my mouth) I’ve shared it with countless couples and it has now become a staple in my therapy practice and within my household…
If you don’t have anything nice to say, find a different way of saying it.
Yup, you read that correctly.
In your relationship, it’s extremely important to say what you mean and mean what you say. In fact, one area of communication struggle I commonly see is someone stuffing down a need or a feeling because they don’t know how to say it constructively OR they don’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up.
And while this may help to create short-term peace, it really ends up resulting in long-term heartache. If you don’t know how to share your needs in constructive ways OR if you’re stuffing how you feel in hopes it will blow over, then I’m sure you’ve also experienced the fallout from that approach. More tension, more resentment, and more disconnection.
You can fall into this communication trap in your relationship because of an overarching (and outdated) belief that if you have nothing nice to say, you need to simply not say it.
When you have nothing nice to say, it’s usually because something deeper was triggered that caused a flood of feelings. And regardless of the temporary nature of your feelings, they’re still valid and need to be tended to. If you choose to stuff that experience down and not share it in a productive way, you miss a huge opportunity to create a new level of understanding and connection with your partner.
Now I’m not here advocating that you need to share EVERY thought that pops into your head or EVERY feeling that you experience with your partner BUT what I am saying is... if you’re experiencing something big enough for you to want to pop off and say something nasty, then it’s highly likely that you need to find a different way to express that feeling.
If your feelings are hurt, find a softer way of letting your partner know. If you’re feeling triggered or overwhelmed, don’t lash out and create reciprocal hurt.
Take a breath and create an opportunity to pull your partner in and let them know how you’re feeling and what you need.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, find a different way of saying it.
I know you can do this.
-A