The Heart of It.

Part of my work as a relationship therapist and coach is to help couples through the painstaking process of dissecting a breakdown in communication. I write painstakingly not to be flippant about it, but because when we’re doing a postmortem on a disagreement, it’s only valuable if you’re able to get to the heart of the matter.

And as obvious as this may seem, the breakdown in communication is RARELY if ever about the actual issue.

Yup… arguments, disagreements, and breakdowns in communication are hardly ever about what’s actually being argued about.

And that’s what makes settling an argument or finding common ground really difficult. Because if you’re not talking about the heart of the matter, you’re literally spinning in stuckness and competing points of view.

The heart of most arguments is about not feeling seen, not feeling heard, or not feeling safe. And the quicker you can get to finding out what you’re arguing about. Like really find out. You will be able to find each other in the disconnection.

And that is my encouragement to you.

Talk about the actual issue during arguments.

Don’t talk around it, don’t talk over it, and don’t not talk about it.

Take the time to figure out why you’re actually disconnecting and you will be one step closer to repair and resolution.

Trust me, it works.

-A

P.S. Do the two of you get completely stuck in communication and struggle to find the actual issue that needs to be addressed/resolved? What about checking out the Communication Masterclass? It could be just the support the two of you need!