If you have nothing nice to say...
I’ve officially reached the point in my parenting career where I’ve run out of creative ways to say the same thing. There are only so many ways you can answer the 1 millionth “why” question before you lose your mind a little and used the standard go-to of “because I said so.”
With that being said, there is one of these great parenting lines that I believe needs some updating. It’s the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” To be honest this one bothers me a bit and I think if we freshened it up, it could actually become helpful in all of your relationships, especially your partnership.
Go with me here for a second.
If you think about your relationship, your partnership, it’s extremely important to say what you mean and mean what you say. In fact, one of the areas of communication struggles that I commonly see in my office is someone stuffing down a need or a feeling because they don’t know how to say it constructively OR they don’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up.
And while this may help to create short term peace, it really ends up resulting in long term heartache. If you don’t know how to share your needs in constructive ways OR if you’re stuffing how you feel in hopes it will blow over, then I’m sure you’ve also experienced that approach resulting in more tension, more resentment and more disconnection than intended.
I believe that you can fall into this communication trap in your relationship because of an overarching (and outdated) belief that if you have nothing nice to say, you need to simply not say it.
Yet, here’s a twist that I think has some great potential… if you have nothing nice to say, find a different way of saying it. Yes, you read that correctly. If you have nothing nice to say, especially in your relationship, then you need to spend a few moments (or hours) deciding on how you can say it in a way that is both constructive and productive.
Because you see, when you have nothing nice to say, it’s usually because something deeper was triggered that caused a flood of feelings. And regardless of the temporary nature of our feelings, they’re still valid and need to be tended to. If instead, you choose to stuff that experience down and not share it in a productive way, you miss a huge opportunity to create a new level of understanding and connection with your partner.
Which brings me full circle back to the new twist on at that old saying… if you have nothing nice to say, find a different way of saying it.
If your feelings are hurt, find a softer way of letting your partner know. If you’re feeling triggered or overwhelmed, don’t lash out and create reciprocal hurt. Take a breath and create an opportunity to pull partner in and let them know how you’re feeling and what you need.
And if you can’t find a nicer way to say it or you feel stuck…reach out for support… that’s what I’m here for.
Until next week,
-A
P.S. Wish all of you Dads out there a Happy Happy Father’s Day. I’m so grateful for the Fathers in my life and wouldn’t be who I am without the love and support from my own Dad… love you Daddy-O! Thank you G for being such a wonderful Dad to our babies!!