When you say you're sorry, mean it.

I have a really hard time apologizing. I like to think it’s due to my middle childness, but clearly it’s rooted in my stubbornness. I also am like most people and am sure my ego is wrapped up in it all too. Being able to apologize is something I’ve worked at and continue to work really hard at. 

I’ve realized that it’s not so much the apologizing piece that hangs me up, it’s saying it and meaning it. Because really, we can all apologize pretty easily if we don’t mean it. 

We can give some generic scripted words that end up sounding pretty meaningless and lack any accountability.

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.
I’m sorry if I was a jerk, I just got so frustrated.

Unfortunately, these aren’t the most sincere of apologies.

The real ones, the good ones, the sincere ones… don’t offer you an out. They don’t provide a context to excuse why you did what you did. They don’t justify bad behavior. And they certainly don’t offer a caveat to what you might have done.

Meaningful apologies are sincere, definitive, and unconditional.

I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, that was not ok and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I raised my voice, it doesn’t matter that I was frustrated, I’m sorry that I did that.

The most sincere apologies are the ones that mean something.

So if you’re going to say sorry, mean it.

Your relationship will only get better as you work to own your mistakes, make the repair, and demonstrate just how much you mean it.

And remember, we’re all a work in progress, so keep at it. I know my ability to apologize in a sincere and meaningful way has only gotten better the more I practice it.  And just like most other humans, there are always opportunities for me to practice it.

Until next week,

-A

P.S. Meaningful apologies and sincere amends are absolutely necessary in love. If you’re struggling to find the words or need to work on this in order to create healing in your relationship, please reach out. I’m here to help.