I’m a continual noticer. A natural observer. Someone who seems to pay attention to little shifts or nuances around her. If a friend gets a fresh haircut or is rockin’ cute new shoes, I’m going to compliment them. I seem to also sense or see (not sure which) subtle changes in emotions or when the energy in the room slightly shifts. I think these are some of the qualities that help in my work as a therapist.

The downside of noticing a lot of things is I also notice when they’re not going the way I would have expected. I pay attention when someone deviates from what they originally said. And just like the positive or neutral observations I make and mention, I do the same with the negative. Which unfortunately means at times, the people around me can feel like I’m picking. And that’s not fun for anyone, believe me.

One of our greatest human needs is to be seen and heard by those around us. Especially those that matter the most to us. 

But what happens if you’re only seen in the negative? In the things you’re doing wrong or failing to do. What if only your mistakes or missteps are pointed out?  

Well… it’s not good.

Our desire to be seen by one another is so important, that when you’re only seen in the negative, it not only begins to twist your worldview, it also starts to mess with your willingness to connect, engage, or to even try.  

And that’s why it’s so vitally important that you see AND notice each other in ALL that you’re doing. That you work to point out the positive. To mention the growth. To comment on the effort and intention. To build each other up so that you feel connected and committed to the work that you’re doing together.

You need to be able to mix in ‘thank you’s’ and ‘I love you’s’ more often than not. You need to point out when you see those around you showing up and trying, regardless of the end result. You need to step back from how you would have done it and be appreciative of those around you who are putting in the effort and trying. You need to pick your battles and for goodness sakes, you need to let some stuff go!

You can’t just see each other in the criticism.

If you tend to point out what didn’t happen, instead of what did, or you notice yourself commenting more on how it should have been done instead of just being appreciative that it’s completed, then you need to work on shifting the tides.  

And I’m cheering you on as you do it.

-A

P.S. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need support in not only seeing each other in the criticism. I’m here to help you make the shift.