Being vs. Behavior

My daughter came home with the coolest story last week. Apparently, her teacher asked the class to work in pairs and review the school rules and then select the one they thought was the most important. When it came time to report their discussion to the class, a pair of students were selected and their response to the question was “Sorry, we were talking about anime instead”.

And this is where it gets good….

My daughter told me that the teacher “didn’t even blink or flinch, Mom. She just said, ‘ok, so what school rule do you think is the most important?’ And the two students then answered, can you believe it, Mom? Isn’t that weird?”

To which I answered, “Weird?? That’s literally the coolest thing I’ve ever heard!”

And then I got the awesome opportunity to share with my daughter why it was so cool.

You see the teacher had an opportunity to get frustrated with the students for being off task, to express her disappointment over their choice, and even shame them for not being focused (i.e. “Why weren’t you paying attention, you know you were supposed to be discussing the question, what were the two of you thinking??”)

And she didn’t.

She didn’t pick that hill to die on and she didn’t shame these two students for something that in the grand scale of things isn’t that detrimental.

Instead, she just moved right along.

And I’m so here for it!!

When we feel disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, etc, it’s sadly easy enough to lash out and shame someone.

Ex: What’s wrong with you? What were you thinking? Were you even listening?

All of these are shaming statements because they have to do with someone’s being. Meaning the person’s person is being degraded.

Ex: What’s wrong with YOU? What were YOU thinking? Were YOU even listening?

And this doesn’t work. It hurts, it injures, it creates distance and it certainly doesn’t inspire.

So when it comes to ALL relationships, even the ones at work or in the classroom, keep shame out of it.

Don’t go for the jugular and lash out with a “you” attack. Instead, move right along OR express your frustration with talking about the behavior.  (I.e. I’m frustrated that you aren’t listening when I’m talking, can we please try this again, because I want to feel heard.)

Remember shame has no place in communication and the two of you have the power to remove it together!

You got this,

-A

P.S. If feedback in your relationship looks more like criticism and contempt and less like constructive communication, then let’s talk. I’m here to support you as you move out of shame-based communication and into productive and safe connection.