Be aware of comparisons.

How would you like it if I did that to you?? We’ve all heard this saying a time or two in our lives and very likely it’s been used in emotional conversations with your mate. 

And as helpful as this may seem to gather some empathy and increase understanding, it ends up being more of a land mine.

The main reason it can be a disaster is because you’re not going to feel the same or even have the same perspective, regardless if the situation is the same. Because we’re just all so uniquely different.

So when you ask your partner “How would you like it if…?” you often get a response of shrugged shoulders or something sort of dismissive.  

Example:

You: How would you like it if I didn’t call you on my way home from work?
Response: I wouldn’t really mind; I like a quiet drive home so I can decompress.

Or 

You: How would you feel if I said I was going to handle something, and then I blew it off?
Response: I wouldn’t care that much, because I know you’ll get to it eventually.

You can see the problem here… right? When you ask the ‘how would you feel if’ question, it misses the point (or feelings) you’re trying to communicate and instead ends up being a debate.

Instead, share how you feel. It doesn’t need to be a comparison to how your partner would feel or react in a similar situation. It’s more about expressing how you feel and what you need.

Remember, comparisons in communication can end up leading to more disconnection.

If you want to increase empathy and receive validation, it’s best to share how you feel.

Give it some practice and let me know how it shifts communication for you. Reply to this email with your successes and your obstacles. I’m here to support.

Until next week,

-A